Living As A Pragmatic Romanticist

At the nudge of one fond Bossy Bird, I'm pushing myself to opportunities of daring deepness. Nothing that will make you catch your breath, I'm just delving into sharing more openly about well, life. Of course, to most, whatever you may stumble across here would be light-hearted reading (if you proceed). For me though, it's a struggle to publicly share anything remotely revealing. Pat on the shoulder, I'm progressing.

Not that sharing about 'you' is a necessity but I guess the idea of relativity appeals to this kind of wandering, kind of shy soul. Hah.

Anyway, hmm... I've fallen off the ball, where was I? Right!

This year, I moved life to a once familiar city known to all as Auckland. Why? I believe it was for a person. I believe it was also for me. So, since we're now on 'this side' of the year, I've contemplated on too many hours of the day, my experience and feelings on moving back. I still can't decide the best word to sum it all up. Unluckily for you, here's the spill of thoughts and moments... Moods even. Be warned, a slew of words are to follow.

Just cause I'm in an attitude for lists, here are some words to describe some significant moments thus far:

• Pure joy
• Anguish
• Peace
• Apprehension
• Fear
• Happiness
• Sadness
• Hilarity
• Settledness
• Comfort
• Symbiosis

Alright, I'll admit how silly this is quickly becoming. Basically, I've just listed many words everyone probably experienced... Heck! In the past two weeks? Yup, us humans are unstable. 

Honestly, it hasn't been an easy transition. It's like my being was resisting the adaptation at times. Internal conflict is a losing battle but a winning war? Exactly, sometimes things were inexplicable. 

Parts of my personality stopped me from reintegrating, then again, other parts grabbed chances to because like most, I'm afraid of failure. If only this absurdity could be gotten rid off (?) Nah, it was made to stay for good reason. 

I would say that most, if not all decisions I've made were to frighten myself, be awkward, suffer a little and gain something worth while from whatever I had decided to put me in. And yes, I keep in perspective that these situations are not literally dangerous and compared to the astounding issues surrounding us, it's almost nothing. However, everyone's personal struggles are their own and no matter how small in comparison, will always feel huge to the individual. 

So, with a combination of that and an occasional intensely odd shyness, the adjustment has been a challenge. It is strange, how I can feel so confident in one place and have that wither in another. 

Anyway, the point being that I continually persist and try. 

It is a repetition of trying and awkwardness which I secretly, painfully, love. 

Many times, I've wondered whether the move was premature, was for other reasons than that I had believed or convinced myself to believe. See, contemplation is a manipulative monster we can't escape. 

Well, since I'm being truthful, I can admit that, "But I moved here for you!" came up multiple times in heated arguments. And then, of course in hindsight I know I've thrown that around carelessly, weightlessly. 

This sort of 'moving' is difficult for people like me who think excessively and can't let go. For people like me who are friends with 'Lingering IFs'. 

With the move, I left a job I really liked and could've ended up loving. Probably the biggest factor I've had to reconcile with is leaving the satisfaction I garnered from it. After all, how does one cut ties when in a reciprocal relationship? I think it is also because I was finally really settled in Singapore (this too had its difficulties in the beginning). Have I mentioned the amazing people I connected with?!

Hahah, perhaps this nomadic lifestyle is too ambitious for me. But, I knew I was living in a 'pause' and wanted to pursue my ambitions. I also knew that time was passing and soon I will be on that side of 25. 

This is not an attack on age, because let's face it... it really doesn't matter in the end. It's about knowing what you want and going after it. Success or failure, take it all. 

It is also about the one you love and jumping off the Cliff of Risks, not knowing if your parachute would magically appear or so. Haha. Cheesy! (Cheeseball USA?!.... USA cheese ball? hahah)

It is about life. It is about the romantic notions and the disappointing let downs. I need them both and it has been happiness bursting from the garden, like rainbow flowers if you will. Like four layers of warmth and enduring hail storms. The smell of food in the oven and the reassurance in twilight. The occasional walk on sand to windy turnabouts around the neighbourhood.

Overall, it has been a compression of feelings and experiences all perfectly mixed. At times, it feels like I'm living from one transitional point to the other in a conscious way. I know I won't always be in this moment, so painful or joyful, I'll take it all. Yes, I still dream of a space in which no trouble can reach me but in the end... Where would the living be?

N, the beautiful human has been doing everything to help me get to the places I want to. Ever patient, ever kind. In the end, there can be no complaints. I'm not there yet, with the move, but I'll get there soon. Perhaps it is great expectations and perhaps I'm not a settler. But hey! Who can fault that?

Many have been concerned and have wondered about the state of our relationship. Well, read on and traverse to our happy plane (: Nothing is perfect but communication saves the day. After all, it's about the collective moments.

Like Caroline says in Daydream Nation, "People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. But those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean... things don't need to last forever to be perfect."

... Here's where I leave you and love you with some in between photos that didn't quite mean anything substantial at the time they were taken... but somehow they've morphed into a few summaries of life these past few months (:

Walking on base.

The daily route.

A constant must.

Some serenity.